Understanding Workplace Politics in America

You know, most executives don’t think much about labor until there’s a strike or a walkout. They don’t even have enough respect for us to look us in the eyes when they talk to us. If a suit has a problem with one of us, he or she usually tells a subordinate to hash it out with us, lest they lower their royal selves by talking to us common dogs.

In those rarest of times that they will actually converse with one of us, it is usually just to humiliate or degrade us, getting their jollies if one of us cowers before them with our tail between our legs. If one of us bites back, or even barks, we are punished with written reprimands, unpleasant duties, demotions, or even termination, and then used as an example by holding our bloody, severed heads up before the other dogs to frighten them into submission, should they ever even think of standing up for themselves.

They swing the power of their position around like some huge cock, intimidating every employee who will let them get away with it. Most of them are sad, pathetic little people with insecurity issues and feelings of inadequacy. Brutalizing the dogs for some sick, bizarre reason makes them feel powerful, just like the bullies that they are. Hell, the truth is that these suits are just pussies that wouldn’t have the guts to walk into a barroom, or anywhere outside of the corporate microcosm, and treat us like that.

You see it every day in the office, at the jobsite, and on the shop floor. They never return a “hello” or “good morning” except with a sneer or that twisted half-smile eye-roll that lets you know you aren’t worthy to speak to them unless they speak first. And God forbid you don’t answer them the first time, even if they don’t have enough respect for you to even call you by name.

And the women are the worst ones, walking around the plant together in little cliques like cheerleaders walking around campus. They really get off on degrading the female dogs, treating them like they’re sub-human, but then they will kiss their female boss’ ass and call it ice cream, even though they really hate her guts. Their other big orgasm in life is snubbing the male dogs while strutting around them like cheap tarts on a street corner, their whole attitude being “I got it, you want it, but you can’t have it.” But just watch how they fawn over a male suit who outranks them; giggling, twisting their hair, dangling their pumps, just like giddy schoolgirls.

I don’t really care if anyone believes me, but I have met so many female suits who have done sexual favors for their male counterparts, half the time right in the workplace. I guess its okay, just as long as he is at least on her level of caste. They think they are being so slick about it, sneaking around coworkers, subordinates, and spouses, but eventually, everybody finds out, though neither party really ever gets punished, except maybe in divorce court. Just let a couple of dogs get caught kissing in the break room or parking lot, though, and see what happens! I’d say roughly a third of female suits I’ve known are really little more than whores with college degrees.

Then there is the “three drink lunch” so many suits enjoy at noon, while they will fire a dog that has just one beer with his lunch. They really get off on drug testing the dogs, especially for marijuana since it stays in the system for so long, which only shows that such tests are useless for proving impairment. However, it’s a widely known fact that many suits enjoy a big ol’ splif, sometimes even during work, not to mention the booger sugar and assorted recreational pharmaceuticals. These are but a few examples of these hypocrites violating company rules with impunity!

Sometimes the suits are nice to the dogs, but usually only when they need them to unstop their toilet or move something heavy. Other times, they really put on a show, playing nice when company guests or other outsiders are around, so nobody believes them if they file a complaint. Yep, they’re just covering their fannies with all that fake-nice play acting!

There are a few suits who actually like and appreciate the dogs (or once were dogs themselves), but they don’t usually last very long. The work place is nothing but high school all over again, and if one of the in-crowd gets too friendly with the zero-kids, the process of blackballing traitor begins. Soon they aren’t asked out to lunch with the others anymore. Then, the other suits “accidentally” forget to remind him or her of important meetings. Finally, when ugly rumors about their private life get back to them, they realize they are over at that company.

The punishment for a suit fraternizing with the dogs is among the cruelest I have ever witnessed. I have seen several good people in management, the kind who are tough but fair, brought down with all kinds of trumped-up infractions, all for being “too nice” to the dogs. At least they might let the treasonous suit exit with some dignity; After all, suits are “asked to leave” while dogs get fired!

The final factor in this pseudo-relationship is how all dogs are lumped together into the “incompetent” column; after all, we are labor because we’re just too stupid to be suits like them, right? Because they think so little of our intelligence, they tend to feed us bullshit, and expect us to believe it. They tend to get very angry with those of us who say out loud to them that their so-called “facts” do not add up with reality. We are never supposed to question their honesty or their motives; just shut up, smile, and wag our tails like good little doggies so we don’t get written up.

I remember once how a suit accused me of making generalizations about them, but I then quickly countered with several examples of how their company policy made rather unfair generalizations about the dogs in the work force. I pointed out to her that, According to the Almighty Corporate Scripture, we’re all lazy, drunk, incompetent, unreliable, liars, thieves, druggies, and imbeciles who cannot be trusted. Nothing happened to me, but it was obvious I pissed her off by pointing out her hypocrisy. I mean, how DARE I say it’s wrong for the cucumber to call the pickle green!

So the truth should be painfully obvious even to a knuckle-dragger like me; Blue-collar dogdom is not about how intelligent, reliable, or valuable to the company you are. Despite what they say, it’s really all about knowing your place. Just as the hero of Ayn Rand’s “Anthem” had learned, a dog pays a steep price for stepping out of line and showing the Council of Elders that he or she is actually an intelligent individual.

You see, some dogs are super smart; they can find contraband, help accident victims, and guide the blind. Others excel at more mundane tasks like fetching sticks, retrieving ducks, and guarding the homestead, while still others don’t even have enough sense to come in out of the rain. In the end, our individuality and various degrees of intelligence and competence don’t really matter, though, because in the eyes of the corporate suits, we’re all just dogs!